Going Back to Church After a Long Time Away: What I Found When I Walked Back at 28
When I left for Atlanta at 18, I walked out of the church. I spent the next 10 years rebelling against God. I did things I was not proud of. And at 28, I finally came home. The only reason why I'm still here, not destroyed or messed up by my past choices, is because of God's grace and His refusal to leave me be.
But if I could tell my younger self what going back is actually like, this is what I'd say.
Why going back to church feels so hard
Missing one Sunday is a Sunday. But missing 5 years starts to feel like a verdict about who you are. That's the trick your mind plays on you. The longer you're away, the more it feels like a fact about your character.
But most who've been away describe some version of the same three fears.
Somebody will ask where I've been.
I'll have to explain myself.
I'll have to prove that I'm not the person they remember.
None of those are about God. They are about being seen.
Will people judge me for being gone?
Here is what happened to me:
I came back at 28. I braced for that daunting question: "Where have you been?" But nobody asked it. Instead I was met with a huge smile and a hug, and that was the entire reckoning.
I am not telling you that to promise a perfect welcome. But I've watched a lot of people come back since, and the reception almost never matches the dread that we imagined.
Does God still love me if I have not been to church?
Yes. Your attendance was never what He was measuring.
I spent those 10 years rebelling against God, and I did things I am not proud of. What I found on the other side was that God had heard me the whole time. I walked away. He had not.
This is the part we often get backwards. We think the distance we feel is God moving away from us, so we wait to feel close again before we coming back. It usually works the other way around. The closeness tends to show up after you move, not before.
Is it a sin to not go to church?
No. Missing church is not what breaks your relationship with God.
Hebrews 10 tell us not to give up on gathering, so we can keep encouraging each other.
Here's where it actually matters. Carrying your questions, your guilt, and your hardest weeks by yourself for years is what wears a person down. Not the Sundays you missed. Church is where you stop carrying all of that alone.
How to take the first step back
Pick whichever of these is actually possible for you this week. The order matters less than starting somewhere.
Go once, with no commitment attached. Decide in advance that one Sunday is the whole plan. Deciding to "start going to church again" is a much heavier decision than deciding to go this Sunday.
Bring somebody. Walking in alone is what most people dread. Text a friend and ask them to come with you.
Give it three Sundays before you decide. One visit tells you about your nerves. Three tells you about the church.
None of that requires you to have your life in order first. That is the part I wish somebody had told me at 20.
If walking in still feels like too much, start here:
You don't have to arrive with everything figured out. You don't have to resolve your doubts before you sit down. You don't owe anybody an explanation for the years you were gone. God has heard all of it already. He is still here, and He still wants to sit with you.
Pastor Kaloma Smith
P.S. Subscribe to our newsletter: I write a short note like this most weeks to the people on our list.
We gather Sundays at 10 AM at 3549 Middlefield Road, Palo Alto, CA 94306.
Comments